Bellatron vs the Calamari From Space

No Kali Ma puts Bellatron in a corner!

Just add some salt and pepper

About 250 Earth years ago, in a galaxy far far away, Bellatron fought perhaps one of her most famous battles against the monstrous race known as the Kali Ma who had enslaved a small, peaceful collection of beings known as the Hexagons. 

Bellatron first heard of this slave based oppression as she was flying through space when her ship, The Delta Ray, picked up a distress beacon. 

A sole Hexagon had managed to escape his evil oppressors, make passage on an intergalactic long-haul service as a stow-away, and when they were sure they were in a well travelled space lane, they hotwired an escape pod and waited for rescue. While they waited, they found some beer brewing equipment so they sanitised it with laundry soaker!

As you are sure to have guessed by now, rescue came in the form of the most beautiful robot history had ever seen, Bellatron. Always with a soft spot in her heart and a penchant for taking on crazy odds, Bellatron vowed to free the good people of Hexagon and boy, did she raise merry hell against the Kali Ma! 

Waging a one-woman-army war is possibly not the smartest tactical move against the Kali Ma but by month's end, Bellatron had destroyed the entire space fleet of the Kali Ma.  She then waged a brutal ground war with over 70,000 Kali Ma troops, for Bellatron this was a gruesome sport.  Bellatron became famous within the Hexagon people for her cry of 'Come here you calamari, I need some lunch!' as she launched an attack. Indeed, it is whispered that the Kali Ma, to this very day, refer to our heroine as the Bellatron The Butcher.

As she had hoped, Bellatron's actions inspired an uprising from the Hexagons who slowly began their own revolt against their unwelcome masters. Many ferocious battles were fought in the three main cities of Hexagon. After four months, the Kali Ma sensed they were in a war they could not win and called for a general evacuation of their people. The remaining Kali Ma left Hexagon exactly 50 years to the day they initially declared Hexagon for themselves but only after signing a treaty between themselves and Bellatron they would return to their home planet of Dune and never bear arms again.

Bellatron returns to Hexagon every 50 years at the request of the people to join in festivities celebrating their hard won freedoms. 

Image concept by Bellatron and designed by Neil Billings. Go hire him, she did!

Bellatron writes U2's new album with Bono

Bono in full 'she got soul soul, sweet soul'
After the apparent flop of No Line on the Horizon (selling only 6 million copies of an album counts as a flop if you are U2), Bono and U2 were a little bit worried that they had lost their mofo somewhat so turned to Bellatron for inspiration and what followed was creative output to rival the famous Lennon McCartney partnership.

U2's new album, Cyber Love, features 12 tracks, 7 of which were penned by Bono and Bellatron together. The song 'If I was a Space Angel' will be the first single released. It also features Bellatron doing some backing vocals and playing some keyboards.

Bono was interviewed by Rolling Stone and is quoted as saying "Yeah, we could have got on the Lady Gaga band wagon and write songs about Judas but we felt Bellatron has such sweet soul, she was the stellar trick we needed to get our groove back. Besides, she makes a mean home brew beer".

Long term fans of U2 are not sure of what to make the collaboration but anticipation is clearly high as itunes has already presold the single 300,000 times. Fans should relax as it was Bellatron who wrote the original songs for Stan Bush that were used in The Transformers Movie.

U2 fans who buy the album on itunes prior to release will also get three U2 b-sides free, one of which features Bellatron and Bono doing a duet of You Don't Bring Me Flowers. It was originally a hit for Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.

Cyber Love is out April 29 on Jimmy Jangles Records and features the song, The Little Things That Give You Away.

Bellatron vs Starscream: The Nut Job

Starscream's favourite ballet is The Nutcracker

There have been many popular chapters in the life of Bellatron.

Battles with alien forces on the edge of the Milky Way and the single-handed destruction of Unicron’s twin in the Galaxy of Oasis are more bigger and more epic than most adventures but the fight that everyone always wants to talk about is the infamous shooting of Starscream in the meat and two veges.

Due to this story taking on a grand life of it's own, here's what went down as told to us by Bellatron herself.

During the famous 1998 Battle for Central Park, there was an intense firefight between the evil Decepticons and the brave Autobots. Bellatron, Bumblee, Jazz, Skids and Mirage were being held down by a particularly strong offensive action by a Decepticon unit featuring all the Constructicons, Insecticons, Soundwave, Shockwave, the snarly Ravage and of course, Starscream.

An inexplicable tactical error by Bumblebee (he'd been learning how to homebrew beer, using ph meters) had meant the Autobots were backed up in a corner of the Park and found themselves helmed in and low on ammunition. Starscream, sensing a rare opportunity for a victory, for once forgot he was a cowardly deceptacreep robot and stepped out from behind a large rock to launch his final firefight assault.

Bellatron saw this action and selflessly stepped out from behind the water fountain, leapt over the dead body of Bonecrusher and whilst still in the air shot Starscream right in the family jewels. He fell to the ground in agony, crying for his momma.

To Starscream's complete embarrassing and horror, all the other Decepticons began laughing so much that they forgot about the firefight and thus gave the Autobots and a relieved Bumblebee the chance to escape. Soundwave had to call the offensive off. Ravage then dragged a crying and whiny Starscream to the pond in the middle of the Park to give him the chance to cool his robot bits down.

Jazz immediately tweeted the incident to his 700,000 followers, while Mirage put video footage of 'The Nut Job' on Youtube and the rest, as they blog and re-tweet, is history.

Darth Vader was quoted as being most distressed at this turn of events. We're not sure why.

Bellatron: I fight for Truth, I fight for Justice and I fight for the American Way

A sketch of superman by Bellatron
The legendary Superman is well known for his motto that his mission was to "To fight for truth, justice and the American Way". What most people don't know is that it was actually a paraphrasing of what Bellatron said to him shortly after they jointly defeated General Zod, Ursa and Non when they attacked Earth some years ago.

After defeating Zod and his minions in a second battle in the Arctic Circle that occurred following the earlier havoc that took place on the streets of Metropolis, Superman and Bellatron plotted what to do next. During that conversation Superman asked Bellatron what she stood for and she replied, "I fight for Truth, I fight for Justice and I fight for the American Way". Superman was clearly inspired by this moment and began to use the ideas for his own motto. Bellatron then had to leave to prepare for her showing on that night's Jeopardy show, confident that Supes had Zod covered with his plan to reverse their super powers.

You may be surprised to hear of this second battle and Bellatron's involvement. Indeed, it is not well known at all, as the documentary filmed and released to the America public by an upcoming documentary maker Richard Lester, had all the scenes of Bellatron cut by order of the President of the United States who wished for the existence of Bellatron to be kept secret from everyone*.

The even cut the scene of her changing lawn mower oil. Which was an outrage to lawn mower enthusiasts everywhere? Grass has to be cut dammit!

Many people doubt this incident ever actually occurred and that Superman's line of fighting for truth was from Bellatron is all spin by Bellatron's Public Relations Experts but now that Superman's will has been made public following his death at the hands of the villain Doomsday, the reference to Bellatron being left the title deed to the Fortress of Solitude as thanks for her help in 'the brave defense of Earth from the Traitors of Krypton ' leaves no doubt.

But the damage has been done by the Lester documentary and the world at large still believes it was Superman alone that saved Earth from the villains of the Phantom Zone. Now you know better.

*Obviously, once the existence of the Transformers being on Earth was made public in the early 1980s there was no point keeping the existence of Bellatron secret anymore.

The Three Laws of Bellatron

Not Bellatron's favourite book
You may have heard of Issac Asimov's Three laws of Robotics. They are the guiding principles in which Asimov inisted that robots should have programmed into themselves as operating protocols to ensure they conduct themselves appropriately.

Asimov's Robot Laws are:
  • A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  • A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  • A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Have you ever seen the Robocop film?

 These laws guided his operating procedure. Until he deliberately fried his circuitry so he could go after the bad guys with extreme prejudice.

You may also have heard the Bible story of when Jesus came along and rewrote the 10 Commandments by saying that we must all 'love one another'. Just as enlightened as Jesus was, Asimov further refined his laws of robotics and paraphrased what Jesus had to say into a fourth robotic law:
  •  A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.
Luckily for Belltron she was brought into being on Cybertron a gajillion years before Asimov was able to articulate his Laws for robots so she is not bound by them. Neither are Decepticons like Megatron for that matter...

A few years back Bellatron was doing some community service in a local school, in the city of London when the teacher noted the children had been studying robots and the advancement of a science and wondered if Bellatron had a view on Asimov's Law. 

Bellatron smiled, lit an illegally imported Cuban cigar, put on her safety glasses, slugged back a pint of gin and a gallon of homebrew and wrote her response to the laws on the class blackboard (hers in bold):

  • A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Unless they are a punk ass b'arch.

  • A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. Get the hell off my lawn, b'arch. I'm my own robot. Pass me some more gin!

  • A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. I'm gonna rip anyone who touches my sweet sexy ass a brand new one.

  • A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm. I'm gonna show Megatron where he can shove his plans to take over the Earth!

  • Bellatron, it is almost needless to say, was not asked back by the school to share any more of her wisdom.

    Dear Bellatron

    grimlock generation one
    The loveable Grimmy

    Dear Bellatron

    Can you tell me about the Petro-rabbits? Kup won't share and it makes Grimlock MAD!

    Do you cook them on a propane gas burner? What are the BTU on it?

    Love always,


    A Day in the Life

    A day in the life of Bellatron and her robot friends

    Bellatron often receives many questions from her millions of fans about her daily routine from what make up she wears, her diet and what her exercise regime is. Given it's International Robot Health Week, Bellatron has decide to share some of her tricks of the trade that help keep her so trim and war ready.

    Here's a typical day in the life of Bellatron:


    6000 press ups
    3 ab crunches
    Bench press the car outside in the street, 700 times
    Series of stretches

    6.05 am

    Breakfast of OJ, bowl of oats, 80 energon cubes, some road kill and a popsicle to get rid of the after taste.

    7am to 12pm

    Beat down on deceptacreeps like Soundwave, Ravage, Megatron, Astrotrain and the odd Predacons.

    12 to 2pm 

    Read Vogue Magazine, drink a bottle of Vodka, get some sun.

    2pm - 5pm

    It's a bit of a blur apparently


    Prepare for cocktail hour, straighten hair, apply Max Factor, put on a pretty dress.


    Typical Evening: Call from Ratchet to let Bellatron know the Deceptacreeps have launched a counter attack down in the Valley, plans ruined, counter offensive launched. Autobots vs Decepticons: Chaos Ensues. 

    Megatron denies being in love with Bellatron

    Megatron: wants to have Bellatron's babies
    Bellatron was amused to hear that Megatron had felt obliged to release a press statement to the media today clarifying that he was not in love with robot warrior goddess, Bellatron.

    The curt, one paragraph statement reads us thus:

    'Due to continued harassment by paparazzi and other endless innuendo published on the internet, I felt it was time to clarify that I am not in love with the Bellatron, nor have I ever been. At this time in my life, I am completely committed to erasing the Autobots from the face of the universe and I have no time for trivial matters such as seeking relationships with fast and loose women.'

    Industry insiders wonder if this press release was in response to rumours flying round Hollywood that Megatron got wasted at the Viper Room last weekend and was telling any one who would listen that he wanted to have Bellatron's babies and he couldn't understand why she kept spurning his advances.

    Bellatron offered us this telling quote in response "Megatron is the Robert Mugabe of Transformers. He is a metallic moron who has endangered the lives of many humans in his bloody minded war with the Autobots. He is no friend of mine, despite him sending me roses and a bottle of wine on every Valentine's day for the past three years. He is a slippery snake. Besides, a true hero already has my heart".

    Megatron's 'people' have refused to return to calls related to Bellatron's reference to Valentine flowers but the rumors that Bellatron is secretly dating Optimus Prime must surely be going to pick up again after this outburst.

    Those in the know have alluded to a relationship with the bad boy Darth Vader and that the supposed relationship with Optimus Prime is merely misdirection.

    Take a sip on your ph tested kombucha, and sit back, this is gonna be a wild ride!

    A love supreme?

    Bellatron's Lover?
    Rumours have long been whispered that the beautiful Bellatron and Optimus Prime have been secretly seeing each other off and on for a very long time. The tabloids frequently suggest the happy couple meet in secret locations across the universe every once and a while to fuel their lusty cyber romance.

    An 'insider' quoted by Robot Monthly Magazine has suggested that Bellaton desperately loves Optimus Prime because he is "a heroic, brave and compassionate character who puts all his immense talents to good work, supporting human causes and defending the galaxy from the Decepticon horde"

    Don't you just love how magazines always manage to find and insider or close friend who wished to be anonymous to offer up a quote?

    We put the question to Prime's PR agent, Gerry Hackman, who told us over the telephone that Prime officially had no comment and that unofficially we could go stick our head up a Constructicon's buttock. Which we thought was a tad rude.

    Speculation about Optimus aside, Bellatron has also been linked to a string of other robot romances, including alleged dalliances with Ultra Magnus, Rodimus Prime and Omega Supreme. Megatron has officially denied he is in love with Bellatron but the rumours remain.

    She also apparently had a brief fling with actor Matt Damon.

    Is Bellatron Really Arcee's Cousin?

    Can you see the resemblance to Bellatron?
    Is Bellatron Really Arcee's Cousin?

    Bellatron sure is Arcee's cousin. Arcee is one of the original female Autobots that came to Earth to guard against Decepticon attacks. She has been praised by many for her fearless approach to battle and her ability to select the best lawn mower for small yards.

    Arcee would often write intergalactic emails to Bellatron and would share her stories of the great battles she fought and how pretty the Earth was and how loving it's people were.

    The moment Bellatron was able to free herself from imprisonment* on Alpha Massarati, she caught the next Astro Train to Earth. Originally she flatted with Arcee but soon moved to her own mansion in the Beverly Hills area.

    One of the most infamous stories about Arcee and Bellatron involves a cattle prod, a bottle of vodka, the Decepticon Soundwave and an F-14 Tomcat but the American President ordered that story to be classified as Top Secret and so we can't share it with you.

    We can share with you that both their favourite colour is Pink.

    This is Bellatron!

    Making her blog debut, Bellatron presents herself! You may be asking yourself, how did I get here and who is Bellatron?

     Why is she so pretty?

    Is she single?

    Bellatron is a warrior robot from the stars who finds the plant Earth an irresistible playground. When she's not wearing pretty frocks to the Oscars she can often be found on the battlefield tearing apart evil Decepticon scum.

    Or playing squash.

    Bellatron loves to play squash and learn about Star Wars trivia.

    For more info on Bellatron, check out her Kills, Spills and Thrills page.