Is Bellatron Obi Wan Kenobi's secret lover?



While rumors about about Bellatron's love life abound, the gossip magazines think they are onto a winner with recent publications printing damming pictures of Famous Jedi Knight Obi Wan Kenobi showing Bellatron the ways of the Force.

For those not up with the play, the Force is considered by many to be an ancient religion, with a somewhat hokey edge. Many others consider it is the thing that binds us together in the sense that there is the 'light' and there is the 'dark'.

The images leaked to the press appeared to show Bellatron levitating her B-Wing as Obi Wan stood at her side.  This lead to speculation they were in some kind of sordid relationship.

Bellatron made this terse statement to the media by way of her publicist:

"I wish to refute the vile insinuations of the press that I am in a relationship with Ben Kenobi. We are best of friends. He has been a good friend to me over the years, he's taught me many great skills and that's helped with my work bringing down many dastardly Decepticons.

That's the real issue here, evil is every where. There's much speculation of a rumored union between the Sith entity known as Kylo Ren and Megatron's Minions so we should be focusing on that, not my lack of love life".

So there we have it, Bellatron has confirmed she is not in a relationship a Jedi Knight however this agent believes where there's sexy smoke, there's a fierce fire ready to erupt.

If I was a Space Angel lyrics by U2 and Bellatron

Bellatron as a Space Angel during album promotional dutires

If I was a Space Angel lyrics by U2 and Bellatron

From the U2 Album, Cyber Space

It's a little known fact that Bellatron teamed up with U2 to help them write some lyrics and music for their new album Cyber Space. Here's the lyrics to the third track on the album, If I was a Space Angel.

Lyrics

If I was a space angel, I'd give you my wings
If I was a space angel, I'd save you from the Spiders of Mars
If I was a space angel, I'd make the heavens sing
If I was a space angel, we'd race Fast Cars

But I'm just a man on this Earth
Living in sin since Jesus' birth
Drinking wine and driving drunk
Listening to Parliament's psychedelic funk

If I was a space angel, I'd give you my wings
If I was a space angel, I'd save you from the Spiders of Mars
If I was a space angel, I'd make the heavens sing
If I was a space angel, we'd race Fast Cars

I'm just a man on this Earth
I'm just a man on this Earth, uh huh


If I was a space angel, I'd give you my love
If I was a space angel, I'd save you from the Spiders of Mars
If I was a space angel, we'd stay in love
If I was a space angel, I'd crash all of heaven's bars

But I'm just a man on this Earth

Bellatron vs the Calamari From Space

No Kali Ma puts Bellatron in a corner!

Just add some salt and pepper


About 250 Earth years ago, in a galaxy far far away, Bellatron fought perhaps one of her most famous battles against the monstrous race known as the Kali Ma who had enslaved a small, peaceful collection of beings known as the Hexagons. 

Bellatron first heard of this slave based oppression as she was flying though space when her ship, The Delta Ray, picked up a distress beacon. 

A sole Hexagon had managed to escape his evil oppressors, make passage on an intergalactic long haul service as a stow-away, and when they were sure they were in a well travelled space lane, they hotwired an escape pod  and waited for rescue. While they waited, they found some beer brewing equipment so they sanitised it with laundry soaker!

As you are sure to have guessed by now, rescue came in the form of the most beautiful robot history had ever seen, Bellatron. Always with a soft spot in her heart and a penchant for taking on crazy odds, Bellatron vowed to free the good people of Hexagon and boy, did she raise merry hell against the Kali Ma! 

Waging a one-woman-army war is possibly not the smartest tactical move against the Kali Ma but by month's end Bellatron had destroyed the entire space fleet of the Kali Ma.  She then waged a brutal ground war with over 70,000 Kali Ma troops, for Bellatron this was a gruesome sport.  Bellatron became famous within the Hexagon people for her cry of 'Come here you calamari, I need some lunch!' as she launched an attack. Indeed, it is whispered that the Kali Ma, to this very day, refer to our heroine as the Bellatron The Butcher.

As she had hoped, Bellatron's actions inspired an uprising from the Hexagons who slowly began their own revolt against their unwelcome masters. Many ferocious battles were fought in the three main cities of Hexagon. After four months, the Kali Ma sensed they were in a war they could not win and called for a general evacuation of their people. The remaining Kali Ma left Hexagon exactly 50 years to the day they intially declared Hexagon for themselves but only after signing a treaty between themselves and Bellatron they would return to their home planet and never bear arms again.

Bellatron returns to Hexagon every 50 years at the request of the people to join in festivities celebrating their hard won freedoms. 

Image concept by Bellatron and designed by Neil Billings. Go hire him, she did!

Bellatron writes U2's new album with Bono

Bono in full 'she got soul soul, sweet soul'
After the apparent flop of No Line on the Horizon (selling only 6 million copies of an album counts as a flop if you are U2), Bono and U2 were a little bit worried that they had lost their mofo somewhat so turned to Bellatron for inspiration and what followed was creative output to rival the famous Lennon McCartney partnership.

U2's new album, Cyber Love, features 12 tracks, 7 of which were penned by Bono and Bellatron together. The song 'If I was a Space Angel' will be the first single released. It also features Bellatron doing some backing vocals and playing some keyboards.

Bono was interviewed by Rolling Stone and is quoted as saying "Yeah, we could have got on the Lady Gaga band wagon and write songs about Judas but we felt Bellatron has such sweet soul, she was the stellar trick we needed to get our groove back. Besides, she makes a mean home brew beer".

Long term fans of U2 are not sure of what to make the collaboration but anticipation is clearly high as itunes has already presold the single 300,000 times. Fans should relax as it was Bellatron who wrote the original songs for Stan Bush that were used in The Transformers Movie.

U2 fans who buy the album on itunes prior to release will also get three U2 b-sides free, one of which features Bellatron and Bono doing a duet of You Don't Bring Me Flowers. It was originally a hit for Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.

Cyber Love is out April 29 on Jimmy Jangles Records.

Bellatron vs Starscream: The Nut Job

Starscream's favourite ballet is The Nutcracker

There have been many popular chapters in the life of Bellatron. Battles with alien forces on the edge of the Milky Way and the single handed destruction of Unicron’s twin in the Galaxy of Oasis are more bigger and more epic than most adventures but the fight that everyone always wants to talk about is the infamous shooting of Starscream in the meat and two veges.

Due to this story taking on a grand life of it's own, here's what went down as told to us by Bellatron herself.

During the famous 1998 Battle for Central Park, there was an intense firefight between the evil Decepticons and the brave Autobots. Bellatron, Bumblee, Jazz, Skids and Mirage were being held down by a particularly strong offensive action by a Decepticon unit featuring all the Constructicons, Insecticons, Soundwave, Shockwave, the snarly Ravage and of course, Starscream.

An inexplicable tactical error by Bumblebee (he'd been learning how to homebrew beer) had meant the Autobots were backed up in a corner of the Park and found themselves helmed in and low on ammunition. Starscream, sensing a rare opportunity for a victory, for once forgot he was a cowardly deceptacreep robot and stepped out from behind a large rock to launch his final firefight assault.

Bellatron saw this action and selflessly stepped out from behind the water fountain, leapt over the dead body of Bonecrusher and whilst still in the air shot Starscream right in the family jewels. He fell to the ground in agony, crying for his momma.

To Starscream's complete embarrassing and horror, all the other Decepticons began laughing so much that they forgot about the firefight and thus gave the Autobots and a relieved Bumblebee the chance to escape. Soundwave had to call the offensive off. Ravage then dragged a crying and whiny Starscream to the pond in the middle of the Park to give him the chance to cool his robot bits down.

Jazz immediately tweeted the incident to his 700,000 followers, while Mirage put video footage of 'The Nut Job' on Youtube and the rest, as they blog and re-tweet, is history.

Bellatron: I fight for Truth, I fight for Justice and I fight for the American Way

A sketch of superman by Bellatron
The legendary Superman is well known for his motto that his mission was to "To fight for truth, justice and the American Way". What most people don't know is that it was actually a paraphrasing of what Bellatron said to him shortly after they jointly defeated General Zod, Ursa and Non when they attacked Earth some years ago.

After defeating Zod and his minions in a second battle in the Arctic Circle that occured following the earlier havoc that took place on the streets of Metropolis, Superman and Bellatron plotted what to do next. During that conversation Superman asked Bellatron what she stood for and she replied, "I fight for Truth, I fight for Justice and I fight for the American Way". Superman was clearly inspired by this moment and began to use the ideas for his own motto. Bellatron then had to leave to prepare for her showing on that night's Jeopardy show, confident that Supes had Zod covered with his plan to reverse their super powers.

You may be surprised to hear of this second battle and Bellatron's involvement. Indeed, it is not well known at all, as the documentary filmed and released to the America public by an upcoming documentary maker Richard Lester, had all the scenes of Bellatron cut by order of the President of the United States who wished for the existence of Bellatron to be kept secret from everyone*.

Many people doubt this incident ever actually occurred and that Superman's line of fighting for truth was from Bellatron is all spin by Bellatron's Public Relations Experts but now that Superman's will has been made public following his death at the hands of the villain Doomsday, the reference to Bellatron being left the title deed to the Fortress of Solitude as thanks for her help in 'the brave defense of Earth from the Traitors of Krypton ' leaves no doubt.

But the damage has been done by the Lester documentary and the world at large still believes it was Superman alone that saved Earth from the villains of the Phantom Zone. Now you know better.

*Obviously, once the existence of the Transformers being on Earth was made public in the early 1980s there was no point keeping the existence of Bellatron secret anymore.

The Three Laws of Bellatron

Not Bellatron's favourite book
You may have heard of Issac Asimov's Three laws of Robotics. They are the guiding principles in which Asimov inisted that robots should have programmed into themselves as operating protocols to ensure they conduct themselves appropriately.

Asimov's Robot Laws are:
  • A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  • A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  • A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Have you ever seen the Robocop film? These laws guided his operating procedure. Until he deliberately fried his circuitry so he could go after the bad guys with extreme prejudice.

You may also have heard the Bible story of when Jesus came along and rewrote the 10 Commandments by saying that we must all 'love one another'. Just as enlightened as Jesus was, Asimov further refined his laws of robotics and paraphrased what Jesus had to say into a fourth robotic law:
  •  A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.
Luckily for Belltron she was brought into being on Cybertron a gajillion years before Asimov was able to articulate his Laws for robots so she is not bound by them. Neither are Decepticons like Megatron for that matter...

A few years back Bellatron was doing some community service in a local school when the teacher noted the children had been studying robots and the advancement of a science and wondered if Bellatron had a view on Asimov's Law. 

Bellatron smiled, lit an illegally imported Cuban cigar, slugged back a pint of gin and wrote her response to the laws on the class blackboard (hers in bold):



  • A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Unless they are a punk ass b'arch.


  • A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. Get the hell off my lawn, b'arch. I'm my own robot. Pass me some more gin!



  • A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. I'm gonna rip anyone who touches my sweet sexy ass a brand new one.


  • A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm. I'm gonna show Megatron where he can shove his plans to take over the Earth!


  • Bellatron, it is almost needless to say, was not asked back by the school to share any more of her wisdom.