Megatron denies being in love with Bellatron

Megatron: wants to have Bellatron's babies

Bellatron was amused to hear that Megatron had felt obliged to release a press statement to the media today clarifying that he was not in love with robot warrior goddess, Bellatron.

The curt, one paragraph statement reads us thus:

'Due to continued harassment by paparazzi and other endless innuendo published on the internet, I felt it was time to clarify that I am not in love with the Bellatron, nor have I ever been. At this time in my life, I am completely committed to erasing the Autobots from the face of the universe and I have no time for trivial matters such as seeking relationships with intellectually stimulating women. Please let me read 'Enger's Game in peace, it's got some great themes!

Industry insiders wonder if this press release was in response to rumours flying around Hollywood that Megatron got wasted at the Viper Room last weekend and was telling anyone who would listen that he wanted to have Bellatron's babies and he couldn't understand why she kept spurning his advances.

Bellatron offered us this telling quote in response "Megatron is the Robert Mugabe of Transformers.

He is a metallic moron who has endangered the lives of many humans in his bloody-minded war with the Autobots. He is no friend of mine, despite him sending me roses and a bottle of wine on every Valentine's day for the past three years. He is a slippery snake. Besides, a true hero already has my heart".

Megatron's 'people' have refused to return to calls related to Bellatron's reference to Valentine flowers but the rumors that Bellatron is secretly dating Optimus Prime must surely be going to pick up again after this outburst. Industry insiders have observed Prime serenading Belltron with gifts of 20w50 oil for use in her lawnmower, however that's all we know.

Those in the know have alluded to a relationship with the bad boy Darth Vader and that the supposed relationship with Optimus Prime is merely misdirection.

Take a sip on your ph tested kombucha, and sit back, this is gonna be a wild ride!

Is Bellatron Obi Wan Kenobi's secret lover?

While rumors about about Bellatron's love life abound, the gossip magazines think they are onto a winner with recent publications printing damming pictures of Famous Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi showing Bellatron the ways of the Force.

For those not up with the play, the Force is considered by many to be an ancient religion, with a somewhat hokey edge. Many others consider it is the thing that binds us together in the sense that there is the 'light' and there is the 'dark'.

The images leaked to the press appeared to show Bellatron levitating her B-Wing as Obi-Wan stood at her side.  This lead to speculation they were in some kind of sordid relationship.

The rampant Bellatron made this terse statement to the media by way of her publicist:

"I wish to refute the vile insinuations of the press that I am in a relationship with Ben Kenobi. We are best of friends. He has been a good friend to me over the years, he's taught me many great skills and that's helped with my work bringing down many dastardly Decepticons.

That's the real issue here, evil is everywhere. There's much speculation of a rumoured union between the Sith entity known as Kylo Ren and Megatron's Minions so we should be focusing on that, not my lack of love life. I just want to get on with finishing reading the Mortal Engines book series."

So there we have it, Bellatron has confirmed she is not in a relationship a Jedi Knight however this agent believes where there's sexy smoke, there's a fierce fire ready to erupt.

Other Star Wars fans have speculated The Mandalorian is keeping a close eye on arrangements.

If I was a Space Angel lyrics by U2 and Bellatron

Bellatron as a Space Angel during album promotional dutires

If I was a Space Angel lyrics by U2 and Bellatron

From the U2 Album, Cyber Space

It's a little known fact that Bellatron teamed up with U2 to help them write some lyrics and music for their new album Cyber Space. Here's the lyrics to the third track on the album, If I was a Space Angel.

Lyrics

If I was a space angel, I'd give you my wings
If I was a space angel, I'd save you from the Spiders of Mars
If I was a space angel, I'd make the heavens sing
If I was a space angel, we'd race Fast Cars

But I'm just a man on this Earth
Living in sin since Jesus' birth
Drinking wine and driving drunk
Listening to Parliament's psychedelic funk

If I was a space angel, I'd give you my wings
If I was a space angel, I'd save you from the Spiders of Mars
If I was a space angel, I'd make the heavens sing
If I was a space angel, we'd race Fast Cars

I'm just a man on this Earth
I'm just a man on this Earth, uh huh

If I was a space angel, I'd give you my love
If I was a space angel, I'd save you from the Spiders of Mars
If I was a space angel, we'd stay in love
If I was a space angel, I'd crash all of heaven's bars

But I'm just a man on this Earth

Bellatron vs the Calamari From Space

No Kali Ma puts Bellatron in a corner!

Just add some salt and pepper

About 250 Earth years ago, in a galaxy far far away, Bellatron fought perhaps one of her most famous battles against the monstrous race known as the Kali Ma who had enslaved a small, peaceful collection of beings known as the Hexagons. 

Bellatron first heard of this slave based oppression as she was flying through space when her ship, The Delta Ray, picked up a distress beacon. 

A sole Hexagon had managed to escape his evil oppressors, make passage on an intergalactic long-haul service as a stow-away, repair an electric lawn mower in the idle hours, and when they were sure they were in a well travelled space lane, they hotwired an escape pod and waited for rescue. While they waited, they found some beer brewing equipment so they sanitised it with laundry soaker!

As you are sure to have guessed by now, rescue came in the form of the most beautiful robot history had ever seen, Bellatron. Always with a soft spot in her heart and a penchant for taking on crazy odds, Bellatron vowed to free the good people of Hexagon and boy, did she raise merry hell against the Kali Ma! 

Waging a one-woman-army war is possibly not the smartest tactical move against the Kali Ma but by month's end, Bellatron had destroyed the entire space fleet of the Kali Ma.  She then waged a brutal ground war with over 70,000 Kali Ma troops, for Bellatron this was a gruesome sport.  Bellatron became famous within the Hexagon people for her cry of 'Come here you calamari, I need some lunch!' as she launched an attack. Indeed, it is whispered that the Kali Ma, to this very day, refer to our heroine as the Bellatron The Butcher.

As she had hoped, Bellatron's actions inspired an uprising from the Hexagons who slowly began their own revolt against their unwelcome masters. Many ferocious battles were fought in the three main cities of Hexagon. After four months, the Kali Ma sensed they were in a war they could not win and called for a general evacuation of their people. 

The remaining Kali Ma left Hexagon exactly 50 years to the day they initially declared Hexagon for themselves but only after signing a treaty between themselves and Bellatron they would return to their home planet of Dune and never bear arms again.

Bellatron returns to Hexagon every 50 years at the request of the people to join in festivities celebrating their hard-won freedoms. 

Image concept by Bellatron and designed by Neil Billings. Go hire him, she did!

Bellatron writes U2's new album with Bono

Bono in full 'she got soul soul, sweet soul'

After the apparent flop of No Line on the Horizon (selling only 6 million copies of an album counts as a flop if you are U2), Bono and U2 were a little bit worried that they had lost their mofo somewhat so turned to Bellatron for inspiration and what followed was creative output to rival the famous Lennon McCartney partnership.

U2's new album, Cyber Love, features 12 tracks, 7 of which were penned by Bono and Bellatron together. The song 'If I was a Space Angel' will be the first single released. It also features Bellatron doing some backing vocals and playing some keyboards.

Bono was interviewed by Rolling Stone and is quoted as saying "Yeah, we could have got on the Lady Gaga band wagon and write songs about Judas but we felt Bellatron has such sweet soul, she was the stellar trick we needed to get our groove back. Besides, she makes a mean home brew beer".

Long term fans of U2 are not sure of what to make the collaboration but anticipation is clearly high as itunes has already presold the single 300,000 times. Fans should relax as it was Bellatron who wrote the original songs for Stan Bush that were used in The Transformers Movie.

U2 fans who buy the album on itunes prior to release will also get three U2 b-sides free, one of which features Bellatron and Bono doing a duet of You Don't Bring Me Flowers. It was originally a hit for Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.

Cyber Love is out April 29 on Jimmy Jangles Records and features the song, The Little Things That Give You Away.

Bellatron vs Starscream: The Nut Job

Starscream's favourite ballet is The Nutcracker

There have been many popular chapters in the life of Bellatron.


Battles with alien forces on the edge of the Milky Way and the single-handed destruction of Unicron’s twin in the Galaxy of Oasis are bigger and more epic than most adventures but the fight that everyone always wants to talk about is the infamous shooting of Starscream in the meat and two veges.

Due to this story taking on a grand life of its own, here's what went down as told to us by Bellatron herself.

During the famous 1998 Battle for Central Park, there was an intense firefight between the evil Decepticons and the brave Autobots. Bellatron, Bumblee, Rust Ring,  Jazz, Skids and Mirage were being held down by a particularly strong offensive action by a Decepticon unit featuring all the Constructicons, Insecticons, Soundwave, Shockwave, the snarly Ravage and of course, Starscream.

An inexplicable tactical error by Bumblebee (he'd been learning how to homebrew beer, using ph meters) had meant the Autobots were backed up in a corner of the Park and found themselves helmed in and low on ammunition. Starscream, sensing a rare opportunity for a victory, for once forgot he was a cowardly deceptacreep robot and stepped out from behind a large rock to launch his final firefight assault.

Bellatron saw this action and selflessly stepped out from behind the water fountain, leapt over the dead body of Bonecrusher and whilst still in the air shot Starscream right in the family jewels. He fell to the ground in agony, crying for his momma.

To Starscream's complete embarrassing and horror, all the other Decepticons began laughing so much that they forgot about the firefight and thus gave the Autobots and a relieved Bumblebee the chance to escape. Soundwave had to call the offensive off. Ravage then dragged a crying and whiny Starscream to the pond in the middle of the Park to give him the chance to cool his robot bits down.

Jazz immediately tweeted the incident to his 700,000 followers, while Mirage put video footage of 'The Nut Job' on Youtube and the rest, as they blog and re-tweet, is history.

Darth Vader was quoted as being most distressed at this turn of events. We're not sure why.

Bellatron: I fight for Truth, I fight for Justice and I fight for the American Way

A sketch of superman by Bellatron

The legendary Superman is well known for his motto that his mission was to "To fight for truth, justice and the American Way". What most people don't know is that it was actually a paraphrasing of what Bellatron said to him shortly after they jointly defeated General Zod, Ursa and Non when they attacked Earth some years ago.

After defeating Zod and his minions in a second battle in the Arctic Circle that occurred following the earlier havoc that took place on the streets of Metropolis, Superman and Bellatron plotted what to do next. During that conversation Superman asked Bellatron what she stood for and she replied, "I fight for Truth, I fight for Justice and I fight for the American Way". Superman was clearly inspired by this moment and began to use the ideas for his own motto. Bellatron then had to leave to prepare for her showing on that night's Jeopardy show, confident that Supes had Zod covered with his plan to reverse their super powers.

You may be surprised to hear of this second battle and Bellatron's involvement. Indeed, it is not well known at all, as the documentary filmed and released to the American public by an upcoming documentary maker Richard Lester, had all the scenes of Bellatron cut by order of the President of the United States who wished for the existence of Bellatron to be kept secret from everyone*.

The even cut the scene of her changing lawn mower oil. Which was an outrage to lawn mower enthusiasts everywhere? Grass has to be cut dammit!

Many people doubt this incident ever actually occurred and that Superman's line of fighting for truth was from Bellatron is all spin by Bellatron's Public Relations Experts but now that Superman's will has been made public following his death at the hands of the villain Doomsday, the reference to Bellatron being left the title deed to the Fortress of Solitude as thanks for her help in 'the brave defense of Earth from the Traitors of Krypton ' leaves no doubt.

But the damage has been done by the Lester documentary and the world at large still believes it was Superman alone that saved Earth from the villains of the Phantom Zone. Now you know better.

*Obviously, once the existence of the Transformers being on Earth was made public in the early 1980s there was no point keeping the existence of Bellatron secret anymore.